Sliding

I really didn't want to do a "New Year, New You" type of check in post, just because I feel that I have bored you all with it before. But I cannot help but feel a little invigorated at the fresh restart that the month of January brings.

I did really well for the first 2 weeks of December, even coming in with a 10lb loss with Thinning Down Chicks on that Friday. Sadly though, those numbers slipped through my fingers the closer we got to the Holidays.

The stress of overtime at work, multiple holiday parties and just overall holiday temptation got the best of me, and I'm suddenly hovering dangerously close to where I started. I will say the one thing that I was able to hold on to through the holidays was really being self aware of my obsessive/binge eating tendencies. I was able to identify the way I felt when I wanted to binge, and the thought processes that were happening when I was giving myself permission to binge.

It is almost interesting to me in an "out of mind" way to evaluate my thoughts toward binging while they are happening. It is almost as if I am arguing, with myself when I want to binge. Part of me talks myself off the ledge with thoughts of my goals and fears, motivational pictures or challenges and repeating the knowledge that I have learned both from Thinning Down Chicks and just overall time and trial and error. But what really makes the decision, the justification, the permission, is the voice that answers.

My answer to all of those logical thoughts and goals is always that I "have earned", or I "deserve" my binge. A tough day, a good workout, an upcoming reset. Something is always justifying the binge. Telling me that I can overcome whatever I eat, I can work it off, I can start over.

I have wasted so much time, effort, energy and work. I often think about what my life would be like, what my body would be like right now had I just stuck with it the very first time in 2009 that I started this journey. Would I be done, would I be at goal? Would I be able to eat those treats and control myself? Would I be able to eat them without the guilt, without the thoughts that tell me that is just the first step to the impending binge?

I honestly cannot even answer the number of times I overate, or binged since the 14th of December. Far too many. And now I have been struggling sticking through a reset or detox day for a week. That's the problem with overeaters. One bite is never one bite. One slip, one treat, one bite is a slippery slope that leads to regret, tears and more pounds than I care to think about.

I'm hoping that with the wrapping paper settling and the hullabaloo of the holidays winding down, I can really put my energy into focusing on these new thoughts and revelations, and focus on what my health and body needs. Self awareness is really a scary, and motivating process. I'm hopeful to get back to a routine and my goals and just, that happiness and peace that I have been yearning for.