Monday, March 22, 2010

16 Days to go...

I apologize for the speed in which my blog has dwindled, but I have been raging my own war with my to-do list and personality. With Dawson’s impending birthday coming up in the next couple weeks, I feel as if I am strugggling more with my emotions and keeping things under control. Looking at my son and watching him smile, laugh and giggle, I am so elated and reminded about just how good God is. He truly is a miracle baby, constantly conquering the challenges that we just cannot seem to get past. Consistantly complimented on how easy-going and even-tempered he is, he rarely fusses and is so happy all of the time. When Dawson meets new people, he is always met with the same reaction. Surprise and worry about his size compared to age. Watery eyes and disbelief when they hear the “tip-of-the-iceberg” story that has almost become our mantra. And then jubilation when they realize just how amazing he is. He is a heart-stealer and the ladies don’t even see it coming =)

But here is how prematurity gets you. It almost-never goes away, and if affects your entire family. It has stamped my son with a slew of tests and therapies, dr. appointments, and health struggles. Not to mention the threat of permanent vision impairments. And we have been LUCKY. I try not to get to down about this battle and be reminded that things could have been much worse, but I cannot help sliding as I pack him up for yet another day of being poked and pushed to his limits. I catch myself wishing months away just so that we can finally go one month without having to go to the pediatricion. It’s pretty bad when we see the receptionist out to eat and she know us by name.

And me, well I am holding on for him. I am realizing that the closer we get to his birthday, the easier it is for me to slip back into my own mind and replay the events of that day. I feel like everything went so fast and I was pushed forward so quick that as a preemie mom, I wasn't able even really get ahold of myself or surroundings. Even more so with a first pregnancy we go into the whole process naievly believing after 24 weeks everything will be fine, just fine. But the rollercoaster road ahead of us, just creates so many demons of
--self-loathing (What did I do, how did I fail…),
--envy (missing out on so many pregnany milestones and becoming envious of other mothers and their bond. NICU life also creates a lot of boundaries in the breastfeeding experience, something I had my heart set on doing)
--and constant worry (did that kid just sneeze within 20 feet of Dawson…ensue panic)
I just feel selfish for not being able to get control of my own thoughts and emotions, and I have become so resentful and bitter because MY family had to be put through this. It just brings on this constant negativity of Why him? Why us?

I have made an appointment to begin speaking with someone come mid-April. For someone who knows me IRL, negativity is not something I like or welcome, so for it to be so easy for me to slip into it is just unsettling. On the somewhat-bright side, I have talked with other preemie parents and these feelings are not-uncommon. So at least I am not a total whack-job and know there will be light at the end of this journey. I look forward to talking to someone and getting a hold of my panic and negative emotions. I don’t like having this constant negativity cloud my thoughts and mind, when I would rather be with the brightest ray of sunshine I have, my boy!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010