It doesn't seem that long ago, that time when everything was just so dark. I had held on to the bitter for so long, and it was so easy to lash out at others about everything. I was so hurt, and so bitter about just everything. No one could understand the way the dark memories mixed with the light ones. The way we just got sick of talking about it all. The way everything could be haunting- pictures, smells, words. All of it could just take me back in a second. I was bitter that I knew those feelings. I had taken on this crusade against life. Against the questions and comments. Against the Dr’s. Against the odds. Sometimes, even against my husband. I wouldn't say I was depressed. I was just MAD. And honestly, sometimes I still get mad.
When I was feeling so defeated by our experience and memories, it wasn't hard to just imagine moving forward with life, and moving on. Walking away from the hope, the plans, and the dreams. There was a time when I wanted to make new dreams. To just put all of our conversations about our family and our plans behind us and just strive to be happy. To get past the bitter and just be a happy little family of 3. It wasn't hard to roll on the high of weight loss and just imagine being able to remain healthy and never know what “High Risk” would mean for us, to just let D complete our family and begin to heal and walk away from the nightmares. Make new ones with the toddler, and now little boy we have.
Curiosity always gets the best of people, and they always ask. Will we try again? Do we want more kids? Well of course we want them. But we just hadn't decided if we wanted to try it all over again.
There was a time, when I couldn't imagine ever signing up for pregnancy again. I couldn't wouldn't sign up for that risk again.
But over time, hope began to seep in. It took time, a lot of time. I needed to see others overcome what we had gone through. Needed to see D grow, and thrive and just become this amazing little person we knew he would be. To defy the odds. We needed to believe we could continue to defy the odds.
D has given us back that hope. That desire to act on our dreams of growing our family, and the belief that with the right medical team, plan of action and most importantly, Faith, we can heal. We can grow. We can hope.
I’m hopeful. Excited to move forward. To try again. To grow. To Heal.
Mr. Bee and I have decided to try again. We have an appointment with a high risk specialist this week to see what this means for us. What our plans are. What our risks are. Hopefully, we can continue just moving forward.