What I didn't expect, was for Andrea to get all up in my business.
After many many conversations back and forth, Andrea brought of something that I cannot seem to let go of. I cannot imagine what goes through her mind as she knows she has to ask.
"Would you consider yourself a binge eater?"
I didn't know what to say, and was speechless for over a full 24 hours.
What do you say when someone you barely know asks soul searching questions. A person who has made a career out of helping people succeed and has a passion for health and wellness. Is educated and certified to ask those questions. the questions that drop your stomach and make you silent.
I have never considered myself as someone with food addiction issues, or disordered eating tendencies. My answers have always included words like "lack of willpower" "over-eat" and "sweet tooth". What those answers do not say is how often I was over-indulging.
Those answers do not include confessionals about how I used to eat my desserts in the elevator at work, as fast as I could so that my co-workers didnt know I was eating cookies. again. Those answers do not tell how my husband and I do not discuss food because I don't want him to know what I eat in a day. How I have burried wrappers in trashcans, bags, in my car, in other wrappers and Lord knows where else so that no one sees the evidence.
Those answers do not include the emotions of getting on the scale and seeing a gain and having images of the dozens of cookies eaten that week flash in your brain. What shame feels like as it crawls up from your belly, your chest and across your cheeks when someone asks where some piece of food is, when you know exactly where it went. What shame feels like at the register when you are paying for another pair pants, in a different size, when you have several pairs at home that just do.not.fit.
I do not tell of knowing I was getting ready to start program after program, including this one and looking down at an empty container. I have not told anyone, that on the eve of starting TDC, I ate an entire container (half gallon) of ice cream in a 24 hour period.
I am not sure I am ready to accept a disordered eating label, a binge eater/binger label. I will admit to being a compulsive overeater. I eat way past the point of satisfaction and am often overcome with the need to eat NOT out of hunger rather, out of emotion and the feeling of just needing to keep eating until that emotion, stress or another trigger is squashed or until the food is just gone.
Triggers come in all different varities and I am really working on identifing and learning how to cope with them. Day to day is a little easier to deal with then the long range of where I will be in a week, or a month. TDC and I have looked at my habits and made the necessary changes to attempt to control those habits throught the course of my program. It is nerve-wracking and just seems so unattainable.
Not reaching goal, but reaching control. To me, those are 2 seperate things. Sometimes the thought of never being able to binge, or overeat almost makes me a little sad. To know that I do not know the next time I will be inclined to just eat. eat until the stress is gone. eat until the bitterness and thoughts are burried. but I know that those emotions are so much more than just eating, and they cannot be squashed anymore. It is not safe for my health, emotional or physical. I need to move on. move forward, heal and get better.
It has been 9 days, since I last
*let me say that TDC is not a medical doctor and I have not been diagnosed by a medical professional. I have left many pieces of this conversation out. This is not meant to diagnose or assist in diagnosing anyone but myself. This post's purpose is to share what is on my mind and my a-ha moment. Nothing further.
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