Body by B. Body by Me.

I have been sitting here for a solid 15 minutes. Staring at the blinking cursor. Reading other blogs for courage. Trying to decide what to type, what to say, what to write. How I feel about what I need to write.

I feel sad. mad. worried. upset. pissed off. gross. defeated.


such a fake smile

On my last post, I weighed in at 190lbs and was still on program with weight watchers. It was March 2011. From that point on, for one summer, I rocked it. I continued on and was able to lose another 15lbs with ww, making my lowest weight in Lord only knows how long 175. I felt so good at that 175. Motivated, confident and ready to just keep pushing.

In August of that year, I had reached my goal "date". My family had an event I had been working towards all along, and while I didn't reach my goal, I still felt better. good even.

Somewhere after that point, and I don't even know if I can really say when, I checked out. Gave up. Quit.

I quit tracking, quit caring, quit watching my portions. I still went and weighed in, but I look forward to the people more than the scale.

I have since gained back all but 10 lbs that I originally lost. I have to completely start over, save 10 lbs. I have gained back 28lbs in 14 months.

And I HATE it. WHY did I do this again. I know how hard it is. I tracked, ran, sweated and blogged my heart out about how much I hated losing and working towards those 30lbs the FIRST time, and now I have to do it again.

I cant quite put into words the disappointment and frustration I feel with myself right now. Honestly, I don't even really have a plan on how to change it just yet. I do know, that it cannot be ww. I have worked that program, inefficiently to the moon and back. It no longer motivates or encourages me, even though I really do love it. I just don't "care" about it anymore. Getting on the scale and gaining is not motivating or disappointing to me anymore, its really just a time waster before I get to go say hi to my friends.

I need a change. I need motivation. And I need it to come from within.

I'm ready. again.

(I realize this is a very debbie downer post, but it feels so good to talk about the way I feel right now. to say what I did. to get it off my chest and out there. please bear with me, once I get it out there, I can move forward.)