So as my due date nears, I have been getting a lot of questions in regards to when D is going to be able to come home....Well, not any time soon...here is a breif re-cap as to why.
At the end of April Dawson went for his PDA ligation, which was sucessful. When he retuned to our NICU, they immediatly tried to start feedings. They started with Continuous breastmilk and throughout May and June they were able to consistantly increase his feeds, add MCT oil and fortifier (calorie supplements) , switch to bolus (intermitten) . As of July 8th, we were up to Fortified BM24 Q3, and MCT oil 3x/day.
July 9th Dawson went in for ROP surgery, and was NPO starting at noon. July 10th, less than 12 hours post op...they tried to push 15ml of bm through his gavage. He promptly threw it all back up. They decided to make him NPO (No feedings...whatsoever) for the next 5 days, and monitor his belly via xray.
After his belly calmed back down, they started feeding him again on Neocate, pre-digested formula. Since then (7/13) it has been a constant battle, residuals at every feed, constantly increasing/decreasing his ml's and he just screams ALL.THE.TIME. On top of that, they have been replacing his IV's daily, which is about a 4 hour process because he has now blown so many veins.
So today, they found another loop in his belly and he is NPO again. They are going to check with an Xray around 1pm today, and may or may not re-start the neocate. I am just getting so mad that BM worked for almost 3mos with no problems, and then he puked ONCE and they dc'd that. Now neocate has been consistanly failing for almost 2 whole weeks, and yet they are still pushing it. I don't know what to do!!! Grr.
So I am a jumbled, pissed off mess. On top of hurting for my baby, My due date is Sunday, and it is really bringing out a lot of feelings and anger that I didn't know I had. I had to leave the hospital without a baby, and have had to every single day since. I am still angry and upset at the "loss" of my pregnancy. Do not get me wrong, I am very, very thankful that D is doing relativly well for a 24 weeker, and am so glad we were blessed with such a miracle, but I am still sad. I didn't get to carry him in my belly, and feel his kicks for longer than 2 weeks. I didn't get to shop for cute bump clothes, and instead of finding dresses that showed off my bump for my showers, I was looking for tops to hide my "pouch". I didn't get to hold, nuzzle, and feed my newborn, and I didn't get to change his diaper until he was over 1month old. So, to say the least..this week I am struggling to stay afloat.
7 comments:
Hang in there honey and don't for get to ask the lord to help you through this as well as Dawson.
It is perfectly normal to be frustrated and vent, just remember you have so many people that love you and are here for you if you need anything. I may not be able to hurry Dawson's healing process but I sure can pick up some Cold Stone Ice Cream at any time! Love you.
Sara - I'm so sorry that things aren't going as planned for you, my heart hurts for you and hope and pray that things will change, quickly for you. If there is ever anything I can do for you, please let me know. We pray for you a few times a day and can't wait to see you soon. One day, one step, one breath at a time. Sending big hugs your way, hope you catch them!
I am glad to hear you getting a bit pi$$ed off! When you delivered so early, I honestly felt bad for you, not just because you had a long road with Dawson, but because pregnancy was just starting to get interesting. I was really bummed that you didn't get to experience those moments alone with your baby.
You need to be mad and upset... get those feeling out in the open so that YOU can begin to heal too. Prayers going out for you :)
My mom has been filling me in on your little guy. What a crazy ride you've all been on. I just read your last few posts. It is incredible to see how he has changed from post to post. I look forward to hearing about the continued progress.
i don't have any great words of wisdom... i'm in the same boat you are... on the rather choppy waters of the nicu. maybe when it is all over i'll better know what to say when someone goes through these experiences.
it's just plain hard. and nothing is worse than the constant emotional ups and downs that come with progress and setbacks.
i'll be praying for you and yours.
You have every single right to feel the way that you do. I just keep hoping that when the day comes for him to go home, all those things you missed out on will be overshadowed by the wonderful joy of getting to take your amazing, perfect boy home with you. You are so strong, both of you, and I am constantly humbled and amazed by this. At the very least, the longer he stays, the longer I get to enjoy his handsome face! (Oooh, what a selfish hope :P) Naw, of course, I am angry and frustrated for you, and for Dawson, and can't wait until they get their crap together long enough to get him moving again. Until then, I'll keep looking forward to going to work every day, like I do now (except if Colleen's there. JUST KIDDING. <3)
I cannot say I know how you feel and can offer no words that will comfort you in this time of hurt. But I can say that I will continue to pray for you and your precious Dawson. My heart breaks for you and your family and this journey you are on. Please know that while we dont know one another we are sisters in Christ and because of that I love you and will keep you close in thought!
Jamie
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