The one where I use Paint Diagrams

Please trust me when I say this is not a post requesting pity, this is a post requesting understanding and providing you with lots of information.

Dawson is doing well, continuing to learn and grow, develop and understand. He weighs in at about 17ish lbs and is 28inches long. He wears 12m clothes and size 3 diapers. He is still on step 2 baby foods, as he is not crazy about the texture of "people food" yet. He army crawls, has excellent hand skills (turns toys over, and over, and over) sits unassisted, stands, does downward dog (you think I'm kidding?) dances, and laughs and smilles. He is starting to talk and babble, although he doesn't say any actual words yet. He is doing great! He still gets PT once a week at Sparrow, and now gets both visual and physical therepy services through early on. He had tubes placed in his ears a few weeks ago and seems to be doing well. We had a check up with the ENT yesterday and the tubes are healing nicely, but Mr D. STILL cannot pass a hearing test. It is basically this test where they sit him in a room and talk through some speakers/ make noises through speakers. They want him to look in the direction the noise is coming from. He won't. Not even a little. He will make sounds back but the head is still. Which = fail. So we are headed to Sparrow in the next few weeks to be sedated so they can measure the brain waves in reaction to noise. However, we may be able to explain why...

We recently found out Dawson is "visually impaired".
At least thats what his Dr. Called him last week. I'm having some difficulty swallowing the reality. Visually impaired. Impaired.

But, he is not blind. Let me explain.

This my friends, is a very pooly drawn human eye.


That is what healthy, normal eyes look like.

This is what Dawson's right eye...DID look like.


Basically, what we thought was a membrane growing in the cornea ( I don't know if I have wrote about this before, I haven't really wanted to talk about it much.) They found that in the healing process, both his lens and iris had begun migrating into the cornea, which they call "shallowness" or "shallowing of the cornea".

Now, it looks like this.


(The dark red is blood, that will eventually dissolve) They went in and removed his lens along with some eye jelly (that resides in between the lens and the retina) and had hopes of being able to place a contact lens on the eye in the future. The contact lens would then hopefully be able to pick up the tasks that the lens would usually perform. You cannot tell that it is missing, he just is VERY sensitive to light, and without the lens, cannot see other than lights and colors. Also, this eye tends to migrate inward because it is not performing any basic function for now. This was done in early May. They had hope of us returning in 4 weeks to a healing right eye and a perfectly healthy left eye (as it had been all along)

Well now, the left eye looks like this...


The iris and lens have started moving and the cornea is becoming shallow. Oh goody. The retinal specialist had hopes of there being some divine intervention with the opthamologist to avoid surgery but today (over the phone) the optho. is hesitant. He feels that waiting could pose a threat to the cornea and since we already know the eye is capable on losing all of its depth, its to risky. I am really struggling coming to terms with this, because it would pretty much mean no chance at any un-assisted normal vision. I am still hanging on to the hope that one day there will be some magical surgery that he can have that will cure his poor eyeballs, and viola! No glasses. Intead, he is probably going to end up with a very thick set of specs. Repeat.after.me.Oh Joy.

We go see the optho tomorrow to get the official word, and game plan. In the meantime, I hope to see you all out here more frequently. Blogging is an outlet for me, one that I need. But sometimes, I hate talking about the bad stuff. But the good stuff seems so fake, unrealistic for me. Like we are waiting for that shoe. I hate it.

I am hoping to move this blog a little though, if you do not mind. I need to take this in 2 ways. I am going to A- Make it more about me. The mama. I myself am facing my own personal journey. One that I would like to document. I will be shy, embarrased, laying it alllll out there. I hope I do not lose readers because of it, but I need it for me in the present, and I want it for me in the future.

B- I am going to be using this as awareness. ROP Awareness. And I am starting by leaving you, with this. ROPARD.org.

Happy Birthday Dawson

Happy Birthday Miracle Boy!! Thank you so much for fighting so hard for us, and for picking us as your mommy and daddy. We love you too much, you are our sunshine, our only sunshine and you make us so happy. Your giggle makes us smile and warms our hearts, and we are forever blessed for having you as our boy.


April 7th, 2009


May


June


July


August


September


October


November


December




January


February




March


Happy Birthday Big Boy!! We Love you, Forever!

Birthday weekend and Easter {Pic Heavy}

We celebrated Dawson's first birthday with a Rubber Ducky themed party on Saturday. IT was a great turn out, with lots {And I mean LOTS} of food, family and friends! There were so many people that came out to celebrate and it was nice to see everyone and really get to enjoy sharing our boy with all of the people who have been supporting him all along. Some of my favorite Pics...





























We then celebrated Dawson's SECOND Easter on Sunday with the family. He did a great job and despite not getting a nap all day, he was a real trooper and shared lots of giggles. He was rather spoiled, taking home 3 BASKETS. He is so loved.





Looking forward to celebrating Dawson's ONE YEAR birthday tomorrow. We have his well-child, then lunch and a visit with friends/co-workers, some shopping, Physical Therepy and then PIZZA with Grandma and Grandpa. After that, we are going to pack up the car and drive for about an hour and a half to have a sleepover with cousin Isabell. Then, it's up and attem for our FIRST CALIFORNIA VACATION!! We are leaving Thursday for 10 days to visit my parents in SoCal. First plane ride and Go West! visit, and we are SO EXCITED!

Thanks again for everyone's prayers, support, celebrations, understanding and loyalty over the last year. We could not have made it this far without you!!!!

16 Days to go...

I apologize for the speed in which my blog has dwindled, but I have been raging my own war with my to-do list and personality. With Dawson’s impending birthday coming up in the next couple weeks, I feel as if I am strugggling more with my emotions and keeping things under control. Looking at my son and watching him smile, laugh and giggle, I am so elated and reminded about just how good God is. He truly is a miracle baby, constantly conquering the challenges that we just cannot seem to get past. Consistantly complimented on how easy-going and even-tempered he is, he rarely fusses and is so happy all of the time. When Dawson meets new people, he is always met with the same reaction. Surprise and worry about his size compared to age. Watery eyes and disbelief when they hear the “tip-of-the-iceberg” story that has almost become our mantra. And then jubilation when they realize just how amazing he is. He is a heart-stealer and the ladies don’t even see it coming =)

But here is how prematurity gets you. It almost-never goes away, and if affects your entire family. It has stamped my son with a slew of tests and therapies, dr. appointments, and health struggles. Not to mention the threat of permanent vision impairments. And we have been LUCKY. I try not to get to down about this battle and be reminded that things could have been much worse, but I cannot help sliding as I pack him up for yet another day of being poked and pushed to his limits. I catch myself wishing months away just so that we can finally go one month without having to go to the pediatricion. It’s pretty bad when we see the receptionist out to eat and she know us by name.

And me, well I am holding on for him. I am realizing that the closer we get to his birthday, the easier it is for me to slip back into my own mind and replay the events of that day. I feel like everything went so fast and I was pushed forward so quick that as a preemie mom, I wasn't able even really get ahold of myself or surroundings. Even more so with a first pregnancy we go into the whole process naievly believing after 24 weeks everything will be fine, just fine. But the rollercoaster road ahead of us, just creates so many demons of
--self-loathing (What did I do, how did I fail…),
--envy (missing out on so many pregnany milestones and becoming envious of other mothers and their bond. NICU life also creates a lot of boundaries in the breastfeeding experience, something I had my heart set on doing)
--and constant worry (did that kid just sneeze within 20 feet of Dawson…ensue panic)
I just feel selfish for not being able to get control of my own thoughts and emotions, and I have become so resentful and bitter because MY family had to be put through this. It just brings on this constant negativity of Why him? Why us?

I have made an appointment to begin speaking with someone come mid-April. For someone who knows me IRL, negativity is not something I like or welcome, so for it to be so easy for me to slip into it is just unsettling. On the somewhat-bright side, I have talked with other preemie parents and these feelings are not-uncommon. So at least I am not a total whack-job and know there will be light at the end of this journey. I look forward to talking to someone and getting a hold of my panic and negative emotions. I don’t like having this constant negativity cloud my thoughts and mind, when I would rather be with the brightest ray of sunshine I have, my boy!

Melts.My.Heart

Grandpa time!