Deciding to Hope

(originally published April 2013)

It doesn't seem that long ago, that time when everything was just so dark. I had held on to the bitter for so long, and it was so easy to lash out at others about everything. I was so hurt, and so bitter about just everything. No one could understand the way the dark memories mixed with the light ones. The way we just got sick of talking about it all. The way everything could be haunting- pictures, smells, words. All of it could just take me back in a second. I was bitter that I knew those feelings. I had taken on this crusade against life. Against the questions and comments. Against the Dr’s. Against the odds. Sometimes, even against my husband. I wouldn't say I was depressed. I was just MAD. And honestly, sometimes I still get mad.

When I was feeling so defeated by our experience and memories, it wasn't hard to just imagine moving forward with life, and moving on. Walking away from the hope, the plans, and the dreams. There was a time when I wanted to make new dreams. To just put all of our conversations about our family and our plans behind us and just strive to be happy. To get past the bitter and just be a happy little family of 3. It wasn't hard to roll on the high of weight loss and just imagine being able to remain healthy and never know what “High Risk” would mean for us, to just let D complete our family and begin to heal and walk away from the nightmares. Make new ones with the toddler, and now little boy we have.

Curiosity always gets the best of people, and they always ask. Will we try again? Do we want more kids? Well of course we want them. But we just hadn't decided if we wanted to try it all over again.

There was a time, when I couldn't imagine ever signing up for pregnancy again. I couldn't  wouldn't sign up for that risk again.

But over time, hope began to seep in. It took time, a lot of time. I needed to see others overcome what we had gone through. Needed to see D grow, and thrive and just become this amazing little person we knew he would be. To defy the odds. We needed to believe we could continue to defy the odds.

D has given us back that hope. That desire to act on our dreams of growing our family, and the belief that with the right medical team, plan of action and most importantly, Faith, we can heal. We can grow. We can hope.

I’m hopeful. Excited to move forward. To try again. To grow. To Heal.

Mr. Bee and I have decided to try again. We have an appointment with a high risk specialist this week to see what this means for us. What our plans are. What our risks are. Hopefully, we can continue just moving forward. 

my first time [running with a group]

Another first for me last week, I signed up for a running group. I really miss my interval runs and running in the spring, and I miss running on a schedule. After I ran my 10k in 2011 I basically just quit. There was a few races, the Warrior Dash and Turkey Trot, that I did after, but I wasn't "training" for them or even running regularly. Since I quit, I have tried to go back through the c25k program more than a few times to get my base started again and get faster, but like everything else health related, the motivation dwindled and I never made it past week 4 consistently.

A local running store has several teams that they coach, a c25k program, a triathlon program, and an "any distance, any pace" team. I'm starting out following the c25k program to get back into things, but I joined the Any distance Any pace [ADAP] team. There are 3 runs a week, 2 informal on T & Th, and a formal run on Sat. Formal runs include coaches, pacers, aide and a specific course/map. There are clinics before hand and bakery items at the end. The informal runs are really just the group meeting to run, and they also have other fun runs throughout the year where they give away tons of prizes. We also have coaching via email several times a week, a personal website and FB group to keep moving towards our goals.

I started again last Tuesday, and I wanted to see how fast I could run a mile in on the treadmill. Well. I couldn't. Well ain't that a kick in the head. Imagine that, quit training, lose your skill. damn. But, like I said in my last post, I'm moving on and the only way to go is up.

Saturday was our first formal run, and I wanted to run 2 miles in 45 minutes. I set up the c25k program on my phone, and just decided I would do it twice, back to back. All of our courses are out and back, so I just thought I would turn around when I completed it once and then I would end with the completion of number 2. I set my mind to it. and that's what I did. However, I was able to cover 4 miles instead of 2! It took me 60 minutes and I needed every single walk break, but I was happy. Eventually I would like to run more than walk, but I was so excited to know I could still handle the distance.

The group encourages all the members to set a goal, even if it is not a race. Most of the members have a goal for the end of May, but I would like to push mine out a bit more so I don't stress about failing since I am essentially starting right off of the couch.

I would love to run a half marathon, not just any half marathon, I want to run the Detroit Free Press Palmer Bank 1/2 Marathon. I signed up to run this race in 2011 and never did. I bailed on my training, and the race entirely. I didn't even go spectate or to the expo, I was so ashamed. I want to redeem myself and run from MI, to Canada and back and cross that finish line!

Have you ever raced before, or considered it? Did you train with a group, or on your own?

my first time [with a trainer]

Thank you all for the wonderful comments on my weigh in post. It was a great reminder to CELEBRATE how far I have come and what I have learned and not just focus so much on that darn number. I needed to hear those things and like always, ya'll deliver.

Apparently someone [me!] was a good girl last year and Santa totally delivered for me this Christmas. Well, not really Santa, but my amazing family. R's grandma hooked me up with 2 personal training sessions at my gym for some quality time with an amazing trainer. I have worked with him before in group sessions (think a mini version of a class) and taken BodyPump classes from him but I have never worked one on one with ANY trainer. I had my first session on Friday night.

First of all, I think it is great that you can make an appointment to work out. Holds you accountable and you really get to work in a workout (heh, see what I did there?!) around your schedule, instead of the other way around.

We started with some drill warm ups (butt kicks, shuffles, lunges, etc) and then really got right down to it. We did squat presses on a box, kettle bell swings and then 2 versions of planks for 3 rounds. Then we did 1 legged squats using TRX ropes, ball slams and lower ab work for 3 rounds. Lets just say I was huffin and puffin. It was a great workout that utilized a lot of the equipment my gym has and just gave me a taste of how to use it. I found my self dwelling on how out of shape I have let myself become, but I was doing pretty good about turning it around and using it to squat deeper, thrust harder (that's what she said) and lift higher. Because at this point, I can't take it back, and dwelling is just causing me to binge when I focus on the disappointment. I need to move on.

I have another session this Friday and I am excited!

stuff my kid says...v.1

I swear I should really make this a weekly post, because d is really at the point where everything that comes out of his mouth is hysterical.

Last night? He was yelling (seriously, YELLING. little boys have no inside voice) through a Lego window..

"Hey Guys! How's it goin?!"

Tonight he told me that his toe hurt so naturally,  I asked why?

 "Because I drank to much milk. I drank it all the way to my toes."

Saturday we had an amazing day as a little threesome, and we took a road trip 2 hours south to visit some of my favorite stores (Lululemon and Trader Joes), a few outlets and just spent time together.
D loved that Trader Joes has the little kid carts, and the store wasn't that busy so i totally just let him loose.

He was cracking up other patrons, pretend shopping and cooking and just really being a creative little kid. Honestly, all shopping aside,  it was fun to just watch.

Well at one point, d and that cart got going just a little too fast because before I could catch him, crash right into a pole. D stumbled a little and wiped out right on his behind. We knew at this point he was going to be upset and since it was getting late, this would really be the point of no return for us.I had R take him out to the car to watch Mickey. All the way out of the store D just yelled (remember what i said about no inside voice?)

" ooooooooohhhhh my butt. i crashed my butt. oh darnnit"

If it wasn't adorable, Id be cracking up. Well shoot, I was doing that too. :)

Ever had your kid yell something embarrassing in public? Tell me about it! 

Happy Friday!

Foam me up baby!

Sounds a little dirty right? Actually, its just the opposite! Seriously, how fun does this look?!

I think this needs a part of my birthday celebration.

drab.

Well hello there. I seem to have this complex over posting anything not D or weight loss related. Which, I need to get over, because I am sure you guys would love to read something else then the same ol same ol. amiright?! Well we will get to that. Tomorrow. because today, I'm hooking up, linking up (come on ya'll this isn't that kinda blog!) with Erin and Alex to weigh in. Oh joy.

 

I actually weigh in every Monday, Wednesday and Friday with TDC. Usually Monday morning weigh ins give me serious anxiety and always seem to let me down. But lately Monday has been my homegirl, and Wednesday is a bitch. Friday cant decide which team it's swinging with.

Last week, I started getting back on the work out band wagon. I've been trying some new classes, I joined a running group though a local store and just am really getting some goals swarming around in my head about what I want to accomplish in 2013. So last week Monday, my weight was down. well that was a pleasant surprise! Monday and Tuesday night I worked my can off, and Wednesday morning I was so excited to weigh in. I thought it was going to be a great loss, and couldn't wait to tell Andrea before I even got on the scale.

And I was up. What the what?!

Of course I pouted, rebelled, ate whatever I wanted, and sure enough paid for it. Thankfully, I was able to focus and get my shit together by my Friday weigh in and then again over the weekend. This Monday, boom. all my efforts showed up on that scale. I love that feeling.

So wash and repeat. Lifted Monday night, ran Tuesday and today. I gained. Whattheefffff is going on here?!?

In all the time I have been trying and failing and quiting and trying and failing, I have never been one of those people with unexpected gains. For every time I got on that scale and gained, I could think of x treats, y meals, z restaurants, that I could explain my gain with. Until now. to say I am discouraged is a huge understatement.

This program is making me face my skeletons, challenge everything I know and just really testing me. I am not seeing the results I want, and its just freaking FRUSTRATING. I don't really know where to go from here. Instinct is telling me to bail, and I seem to be noticing more and more WW blogs and commercials. But I know I cannot bail. I need to learn, I need to grow and I need this challenge. I just really hope that something changes and I start seeing results or just SOMETHING. I cannot still be here in 2 months. I just. I cant.

 

Stolen

I feel like this place needs a little more fluff, its been so deep lately! So I "borrowed" this from Mel :)

A. Age: 26, and a Gemini. I was born on my due date, and since I was a scheduled c-section, I was technically only 6 minutes late. Ohh the foreshadowing! 

B. Bed size: Queen - I would love a King but it wouldn't fit up our staircase. Boo.

C. Chore you hate: Putting away laundry and dishes. So I don't do either. 

D. Dogs: I have 2 Tibetan Terriers. 1 Diva (Ace) and 1 Demon (Deuce. Named after a football player, not a shart) 

E. Essential start to your day: Technically my Thyroid pill, but my fun answer is a diet pepsi. I usually have one with breakfast every day, and while I would love to give it up, its just so.damn.hard (that's what she said)

F. Favorite color: Yellow and Grey. Are ya shocked?!

G. Gold or Silver: High-ho Silverrrrrrr

H. Height: 5'6 

I. Instruments you play: I could get dirty here BUT I am going with NONE. <I'm going with what she said!

J. Job Title: FTWM, I am a Senior Accounts Payable Specialist

K. Kids: 1-The D dude, He's 3 1/2.

L. Live: In the Mitten

M. Married: August 4, 2007

N. Nicknames: I don't really have many, since my name is only 4 letters long, most people just call me that. Better than bein called somethin else! A lot of people do call me by my last name though, and a lot of people did that before I got married too. My dad and brother go by their last names a lot too. 
.O. Overnight hospital stays: Just to have D.

P. Pet peeve: People who get on elevators without letting other people off, people who drive under the speed limit in morning traffic. People who don't change the TP roll when its empty (ahem) and so many others. 

Q. Quote: I love quotes, but don't really have one in particular that I use as a fallback. 

R. Righty or Lefty: Righty.

S. Siblings: Ah boy. Okay, here we go. 2 half brothers, 1 from each of my parent's previous marriages, 1 step brother from my dads current marriage. 2 brother in laws. 2 sister in laws. 

T. Time you wake up:  late, always late. Should be 6-615. Usually its about 7. A resolution to work on perhaps?

U. University attended: I've attended more than one, but never completed. GASP! 

V. Vegetables you dislike: vegetables. I'm not fat because I love carrots okay.

W. What makes you run late: Kids and/or not being able to find something to wear (see above about putting away clothes :) 

X. X-rays you've had: Dental ones and ultrasounds when I was preggo. I also broke a pinky when I was in the 5th grade. 

Y. Yummy food: SWEETS. Anything PB and chocolate. Anything cheesy. 

Z. Zoo animal favorite: I've come to love the bee because its a fun play on words with our last name, but Penguins. I have a serious thing for penguins, including a hidden tattoo.

I used to love these types of things back in the days of myspace. Who doesn't love talking about themselves?! Copy it and link me back, I want to read about you! 

Sliding

I really didn't want to do a "New Year, New You" type of check in post, just because I feel that I have bored you all with it before. But I cannot help but feel a little invigorated at the fresh restart that the month of January brings.

I did really well for the first 2 weeks of December, even coming in with a 10lb loss with Thinning Down Chicks on that Friday. Sadly though, those numbers slipped through my fingers the closer we got to the Holidays.

The stress of overtime at work, multiple holiday parties and just overall holiday temptation got the best of me, and I'm suddenly hovering dangerously close to where I started. I will say the one thing that I was able to hold on to through the holidays was really being self aware of my obsessive/binge eating tendencies. I was able to identify the way I felt when I wanted to binge, and the thought processes that were happening when I was giving myself permission to binge.

It is almost interesting to me in an "out of mind" way to evaluate my thoughts toward binging while they are happening. It is almost as if I am arguing, with myself when I want to binge. Part of me talks myself off the ledge with thoughts of my goals and fears, motivational pictures or challenges and repeating the knowledge that I have learned both from Thinning Down Chicks and just overall time and trial and error. But what really makes the decision, the justification, the permission, is the voice that answers.

My answer to all of those logical thoughts and goals is always that I "have earned", or I "deserve" my binge. A tough day, a good workout, an upcoming reset. Something is always justifying the binge. Telling me that I can overcome whatever I eat, I can work it off, I can start over.

I have wasted so much time, effort, energy and work. I often think about what my life would be like, what my body would be like right now had I just stuck with it the very first time in 2009 that I started this journey. Would I be done, would I be at goal? Would I be able to eat those treats and control myself? Would I be able to eat them without the guilt, without the thoughts that tell me that is just the first step to the impending binge?

I honestly cannot even answer the number of times I overate, or binged since the 14th of December. Far too many. And now I have been struggling sticking through a reset or detox day for a week. That's the problem with overeaters. One bite is never one bite. One slip, one treat, one bite is a slippery slope that leads to regret, tears and more pounds than I care to think about.

I'm hoping that with the wrapping paper settling and the hullabaloo of the holidays winding down, I can really put my energy into focusing on these new thoughts and revelations, and focus on what my health and body needs. Self awareness is really a scary, and motivating process. I'm hopeful to get back to a routine and my goals and just, that happiness and peace that I have been yearning for.

To you and yours

from our family to yours, we wish you warmest wishes for a wonderful holiday.

Merry Christmas!

 

tragic.

My heart goes out of all of the families and friends of the victims in Newtown, CT. I cannot even begin to imagine the devestation and destruction these people are living through and it just breaks my heart.

A friend of mine posted this yesterday on FB and iy couldnt be more true.

"Every day at work, I read about horrific crimes and it is always sad, but I can usually divorce myself from those situations surrounding those crimes pretty easily. But, this…. This is something we cannot really detach from. What a heinous crime against our most innocent young and precious lives.

Heal the broken hearted and bind up their wounds."

-Psalm 47:3

please let your thoughts and prayers be with the victims and their families, as well as the survivors of yesterdays tragic events. they need to feel our strength and love behind them at such a desperate time.

 

I got the leib!

this is a big, BIG moment for ye olde bee brood blog. I have been nominated by practical blog royalty, The Real Nancy Clue, for the Leibster Award!

do you read Nancy yet? well you need to. first of all, this girl is a boss for the main fact she is not in jail. the reason she writes is a doozy and I know had I been walkin in her heels, mama would be shackin up with  bobby jean for the next 20 years. Ms. Nancy is also hysterical. do yourself a favor and watch her fertility dance video (and think about babies). She rocks it out to a little digital underground all in the name of helping a friend. she's a bad bee.

Rules are rules, and Ive got to mention them. In order to accept this award you must;
1- thank the person that nominated you
2-write 11 fact-o-files about yourself
3-answer 11 questions given to you by the nominator (shakin in mah boots)
4-nominate 11 other bloggers who have 200 followers or less. tag them in your post
5-create 11 new questions for the bloggers you are nominating
6-notify your 11 nominees on their blog, so they can accept and join the fun!
7-not nominate the person who nominated you
8-once you have met these terms, you may add the Leibster Award Button to your blog.

11 randoms about mama b-

1-Just like my girl Nancy, I am late.for.everything.
2-I am bi-lingual. Si habla Espanol!
3-I once swallowed a paperclip that I was messing (in my mouth. I know. cringe. gross. ew) with trying to make sound effects for saggy boobs.
4-I love all things Sons of Anarchy. Go ahead, quiz me! (No really, I think its fun. Someone play SOA trivia with me!)
5-I love to read. Just about anything other than classics, non-fiction and anything boring. Latest Favorite is Sempre (forever) by J.M Darhower
6-When my son was in the NICU, my husband accidentally stabbed me in the toe with a syringe full of breast milk  Imagine having to explain that for the next year during the Red Cross questionnaire for donating blood.
7-I have 5 tattoos, and would like more.
8-Malibu and Diet is my go go juice. Only the taste of Coke makes me want to brush my teeth with a brillo pad. I'm a pepsi girl!
9-I don't know when, if ever, I will take out my nose ring. To me my nose is large and in-charge and my piercing just helps balance it out. I feel so awkward and naked without it.
10-My hair and it's natural red hue are one of my favorite features about myself. I have colored my hair all sorts of different colors, including pink, but I always come back to red.
11-I have had my own commercial, been on a telethon, been on American Chopper and my family had our own segment on our local news channel all in the past 3 years.

Nancy's 11 questions for me-

1-what was your first concert? My aunt took me and a friend to see Lonestar and Blake Shelton in 2001?2002? Blake Shelton was the opener, that's how long ago it was. It was the start of a serious concert fever. We sat in the nosebleeds and I just remember looking down and thinking about how much more fun all the people on the floor were having. And they were all standing up. Where I was sitting, no one stood, cheered, danced, whooped. Nothing! From then on, people like that made me crazy!!

2-if you were on death row, what would be your last meal before you were executed?  Oh Boy, here we go. Stuffed crust cheese pizza, asparagus, Shells and cheese, Chips and queso/ rotel, Cheese filled crescent rolls with a ton of garlic salt. diet Pepsi. Those little cookies with the Reese's cups pressed in the middle and some peanut butter balls. What? I'm not a fatty girl because I would pick salad, that is for dayyyyum sure.

3-if you could invite 3 people (living or dead) to dinner, who would you choose? This is where you all learn exactly how un-worldly (is that the right word? whatever, I don't care) I am.
Reba McIntire. Katy Sagal. Amy Sherman Pallidino. #1 and #3 would make me laugh until I pissed myself and then Katy would tell us to shut up, zip up our boots and throw back our drinks.

4-what was your most favorite day ever? Easy peasy lemon squeezy. August 17th 2009. After 4 months and 1 week in Nicus all over this God-forsaken state, I got to put my son in his car seat and hightail his mini-booty home.

5-what is one thing you would like to do before you die? I have a lot of these things. As a individual, I would like to get to a healthy and fit weight. Enjoy a summer, and enjoy a day in my life without that guilt and misery of being overweight. As a wife, I would like to go with my husband on an anniversary trip somewhere totally inappropriate and act like drunken sex fiends. Duval street, Vegas, Mardi Gras. Whatever. As a mom, I want to do my best raising my son to grow up both knowing how special he is and yet not knowing how different he is. I would like him to grow up outside the label. I would like to continue to show him the magic that is Disney. For him to see things I didn't, and I want to be there to see him live it.

6-what was your first car? Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme. That thing was awesome and it only met its demise when I ran off the road on an icy curve and plowed over and ex-boyfriends bushes. end scene.

7-what is your ultimate dream vacation destination? One of those little huts in the middle of the ocean on an end of a dock that everyone has posted on pinterest at one moment or another. Or Disney World.

8-what is your most embarrassing moment? Oh man, I have so many to name. Plowing over an exes bushes is pretty high up there. Ive fallen at work, both on my face and down the stairs. Ive cried in front of hundreds of people. I stuttered on TV making the word best sound like bestest. I could go on and on.

9-who is your celebrity free pass? Charlie Hunnam as Jax Teller, but he must be in character, and he must wear his kutte. Channing Tatum could be a good time too as long as we get to go dancing first.

10-what is your biggest pet peeve? People who try to get in an elevator before letting everyone off first.

11- how old were you when you lost your virginity (you didn't think you were getting off that easy did you?) Ehhh boy. I really do not want to answer this. I have family that reads this for Heaven's sake. Lets just say this. I was too young (even though I had this boyfriend for a very long time in grade school years. Remember I'm a long term girl). My age ended with -teen and I couldn't drive yet.

My 11 questions-
1-Do you speak any languages other than English?
2-What is your favorite TV show/shows?
3-Natural Hair Color? Did you keep it, or do you color? Have you ever had a non-traditional color? (pink, blue, purple, seafoam...?)
4-What was the first cd/cassette you bought yourself?
5-What is your go-go juice made up of?
6-Favorite personal feature?
7-If you could have any job in the world, what would you do?
8-Do you have any tattoos? If so, what do they mean? If not, would you ever get one?
9-Have you ever been on television?
10-What is your all-time favorite meal, and who makes it?
11- Do you know your heritage and do you follow any traditions or have any connection to traditions of your ancestors/culture.

My 11 Nominees-
1.Andra at United States of Andra. My blogswap partner, go check her out to see what goodies I sent her!
2. Ashley at Life as Ashlet & 3. Isha at Everyday Isha. These 2 girls were on the same forums as me back in the day, and I just feel, familiar with them. This is when I really started looking into blogging and the whole mommy blogger situation and tried to decide if I wanted to blog about our TTC road.
3.Leigh Anne at Elle Noel.
4. Kassie at Southern Girl Gets Fit, the mastermind behind our blogger swap that hooked.me.up
5. Darci at Strongly Feminine

And with that, I'm going to bow out. Most of the blogs I follow have "too many followers" and the others have this award somewhere in their comments or last 5 posts. I will give you some of my "must reads" right now(in addition to the above) ...

Runs for Cookies
Mama Laughlin
Journey of a dreamer
4Kottez Runs It
Where we can live like Jack and Sally
The Real Nancy Clue
Is This thing on
Meals and Miles
Meals and Moves

There you have it! Now hop around and show some love!

Skeletons

When I first started the interview process with Andrea, I had to go through a typical questionaire about my stats, eating likes and dislikes, cravings, habits and so many other details. I've done questionaires like this before when Ive investigated programs with the hospital and other gyms.

What I didn't expect, was for Andrea to get all up in my business.

After many many conversations back and forth, Andrea brought of something that I cannot seem to let go of. I cannot imagine what goes through her mind as she knows she has to ask.

"Would you consider yourself a binge eater?"

I didn't know what to say, and was speechless for over a full 24 hours.

What do you say when someone you barely know asks soul searching questions. A person who has made a career out of helping people succeed and has a passion for health and wellness. Is educated and certified to ask those questions. the questions that drop your stomach and make you silent.

I have never considered myself as someone with food addiction issues, or disordered eating tendencies. My answers have always included words like "lack of willpower" "over-eat" and "sweet tooth". What those answers do not say is how often I was over-indulging.

Those answers do not include confessionals about how I used to eat my desserts in the elevator  at work, as fast as I could so that my co-workers didnt know I was eating cookies. again. Those answers do not tell how my husband and I do not discuss food because I don't want him to know what I eat in a day. How I have burried wrappers in trashcans, bags, in my car, in other wrappers and Lord knows where else so that no one sees the evidence.

Those answers do not include the emotions of getting on the scale and seeing a gain and having images of the dozens of cookies eaten that week flash in your brain. What shame feels like as it crawls up from your belly, your chest and across your cheeks when someone asks where some piece of food is, when you know exactly where it went. What shame feels like at the register when you are paying for another pair pants, in a different size, when you have several pairs at home that just do.not.fit.

I do not tell of knowing I was getting ready to start program after program, including this one and looking down at an empty container. I have not told anyone, that on the eve of starting TDC, I ate an entire container (half gallon) of ice cream in a 24 hour period.

I am not sure I am ready to accept a disordered eating label, a binge eater/binger label. I will admit to being a compulsive overeater. I eat way past the point of satisfaction and am often overcome with the need to eat NOT out of hunger rather, out of emotion and the feeling of just needing to keep eating until that emotion, stress or another trigger is squashed or until the food is just gone.

Triggers come in all different varities and I am really working on identifing and learning how to cope with them. Day to day is a little easier to deal with then the long range of where I will be in a week, or a month. TDC and I have looked at my habits and made the necessary changes to attempt to control those habits throught the course of my program. It is nerve-wracking and just seems so unattainable.

Not reaching goal, but reaching control. To me, those are 2 seperate things. Sometimes the thought of never being able to binge, or overeat almost makes me a little sad. To know that I do not know the next time I will be inclined to just eat. eat until the stress is gone. eat until the bitterness and thoughts are burried. but I know that those emotions are so much more than just eating, and they cannot be squashed anymore. It is not safe for my health, emotional or physical. I need to move on. move forward, heal and get better.

It has been 9 days, since I last binged overate.


*let me say that TDC is not a medical doctor and I have not been diagnosed by a medical professional. I have left many pieces of this conversation out. This is not meant to diagnose or assist in diagnosing anyone but myself. This post's purpose is to share what is on my mind and my a-ha moment. Nothing further.

This one time, we were on TV

You see this one time, We were on American Chopper; Sr. vs. Jr.
 

 

A pretty major construction company in the state I live in, had commissioned a bike and worked out a deal with Pauly to have Paul Jr Designs build the bike and air it all on television. Buyers could then purchase raffle tickets for $20 to purchase a chance to win the bike, tax free (as the taxes were to be paid by the owner of the construction company).

The owner of that constrcution company, has triplet daughters, one with a pretty serious illness. I don't want to say too much about his family, but the charity he chose to support, was the March of Dimes.

For those of you new here, I had my son 16 weeks early in 2009, and he weighed roughly about the size of a sack of sugar. You can read all about that here. My family was chosen to represent the local division of the March of Dimes for the year 2012. What that means is we are the local face of the cause for a whole year, going to events, making speeches, really trying to get the word out there and champion for babies.

So when Paul Jr. came to town, and decided to check out the hospital in the area and really get a feel for the cause and what it means to be affected by premature birth, they wanted to get a family on air to chat with the team and really get the word on camera. Well what better than the March of Dimes Ambassador Family!

Thats where we come in!

We received a call about 10 O'clock in the morning, and were presented with this amazing opportunity to meet the cast of American Chopper and be featured in an episode. I think my husband wanted to pee his pants he was so excited. We had 4 hours to get dressed, ready and to the hospital...to wait.

In all honesty, the recording process is borrrr-ring. There is a lot of standing around. waiting. planning. moving things around. waiting. directing and waiting. then you film for 5 minutes. wait and boom. go home.

Meeting the cast was something I do not think I will ever forget. We are fans of the show (even before we met them) and to see what they do and meet them up front is just phenominal. There is a lot of pieces that make up the puzzle of being on television and an insane amount of pressure.

The guys (and Rachel) and their entire crew was fantastic. They were friendly, personable and incredibly down to earth. They met fans, signed autographs and were very laid back, all while listening, getting ideas and taking direction for about 15 different people in 5 minutes. I was awe-struck! Someone even stopped my husband, and asked him for his autograph just because we were standing with them, its crazy!

Dawson was of course in a pistol of a mood. Running, climbing and screaming like a banchee. I know for me, walking into the hospital, everything is familiar. It has this smell, that is unlike anything I have ever encountered again, specific to the floor even. It is the smell of santizer and people. It just all is so sterile, while also being tranquil? I dont really know how to describe it. Dawson has never mentioned anything about that hospital, but I wonder if it is familiar to him? I wonder if he knows that smell, those sounds, that environment? 

I have to assume so, because within minutes of walking onto that floor, dawson just flipped. Into crazy flea-like insanity. You can hear and see him running around like crazy in our segment and it just is hilarious. I don't know whether to shake my head and laugh, or cry. because thats my boy!

So anyway, we received the news that the bike was ready about 5 months later. They had planned a huge launch party and the construction companies headquarters and we were invited to go. The party was open to both their local March of Dimes offices, our division and all of the associates and their guests with the construction company.

Families all across the area came and shared their stories, and some great businesses donated their time and energy, as well as some great food and drinks for all of the attendees. Jr. and the crew came and there was a presentation about the construction process and the raffle details, and then Jr. rode on in on our chariot.

The bike they created was fantastic. They worked the MOD symbol into every aspect of the bike. I would love to name all of the parts, but I am not that bike-savy, so let me just say that the mother-baby symbol was everywhere. I loved it, and they really do an amazing job with their creations. So Impressive!!

 

Michigan had raffle tickets go-out state wide to sell and the bike helped raise over $220,000 for the March of Dimes and their research programs helping moms have healthy, full term pregnancies, and babies born to soon have a change.

It was an opportunity we will never forget, and an experience that changed us. 

 

Blogger Swap with Southern Girl Gets Fit!

In November, Kassie with Southern Girl Gets Fit organized a blogger swap for any person who was interested. She took down names, hobbies, likes and dislikes, and a ton of other embarrassing helpful information about all of the interested bloggers. She then put all their names in a hat, swished them around, said abracadabra and ta-da! We all had partners.

I was assigned this great girl Andrea (not to be confused with my girl Andrea from TDC, ANOTHER great Andrea) from the south, and away we went shopping.

Now I am embarrassed to admit, that like all things my package went out late. I had my heart set on a few specific items and I underestimated exactly how much of a goose chase I would have to go on to get it, but I hope she loves what I sent ;)

I LOVE what I received in the mail today.

First of all, receiving packages in the mail when you know they are for you is about as exciting as this chubby girl standing in front of a case of donuts topped with sprinkles. I do my fair share of online shopping, mostly for the little man, but I love receiving goodies in the mail!

 

I received a whole package full of goodies, complete with a note and then individual notes from Andrea telling me why she bought what she did and what it made her think of.

 

I got a great wine stopper, SOA earphones, a new cup, yellow notepads for my desk, and a bottle sweater. Okay now lets break this down.

1. Wine stopper. Life is Short, Wine More. Enough Said.

2. Sons Of Anarchy Headphones. Have we talked about my SOA obsession? No, well I am not sure there is a way to describe it that doesn't include the words "certifiable", but I love SOA. I love the characters (not just the hot one, although there are many pictures of Jax saved on my phone. Computer. Walls. etc etc) and the writing/ writer. I love the music. I freaking LOVE Katy Segal.

 I love all of it. These were perfect.

3. I have an obsession. Well, 3 obsessions. 1) SOA. 2) Bags. 3) Cups. Again, perfect. Cannot wait to take this fun new cup into work and have it cheer me up (and keep me hydrated!) all day!

4.New yellow post it notes. I love notes. I love lists. I love post-its.

5. A BOTTLE SWEATER. Have you ever seen anything like this? This is fantastic. It is a sweater, for your bottle. No more clammy hands or sweaty bottles or sweat rings. And it's festive. #winning

Its like we were connected at the soul that Andrea and me.

 

 

Next, Andrea made me my very own Birch Box, in a cute little Chevron bag. CHEVRON. Love

I got 3 samples of Gucci Flora perfume, some sassy lip balm, lotion, face wash and wipes. Im so excited for this sassy-pants little bag and all the fun little samples.

What a great way to try some new things!

 

Thank you so much to Kassie for setting this up, and to Andrea for my great gifts.

 I had a great time, and really am loving my treats. I would totally do this again, hopefully in a more timely manner the next time.

How does 5 grand sound for motivation?!

So, hopefully this post actually gets read by somebody. Last week I tried to do a link up (talking about that time we were on American Chopper) and I got a virus. Awesome right. Apparently the FBI isn't too happy with me and my Internet surfing and has locked down my computer until I send them $200. Pshh yeah right. I quarantined that crap so fast. So sorry, so not a sucker here.

Let's talk motivation!

Last week was my first week with Andrea and the Thinning Down Chicks program. Very happy to report that in my first week I lost 6.4lbs!

Your first week starting any program will typically yield high results, because of the shock you have put your system through.

I can honestly say I am really enjoying this program. I eat 5+ times a day, 3 meals and 2 snacks. All of my meals are easy to make and your typical health food, but I can tell you that it is NOT all lettuce.

The recipes on this program are great! Last week we had Bacon Cheeseburger Meatloaf, Steak, Chicken salads, Cannoli stuffed French Toast nuggets and more amazing things that are really helping me kick some cravings without feeling deprived.

I am so happy that I took this step for both me and my family, and am really happy with the results thus far.

For some added motivation, me and 360 of my closest friends have joined in a dietbet together. Unfamiliar with dietbet? Basically, anyone can go on and create a game with a start date, end date and buy in. Our game was created to motivate each and every one of us to stay strong and beat the Holiday bulge this season. With a mere 5, err 6 grand on the line, I think that is some great motivation. You heard that right, we had a $20 buy in, and with so many players, our kitty is now up to $6400. Any player who loses 4% of their starting weight will split the pot. Game on folks!

a step in the right direction

The Fluff: Back to reality after a busy busy holiday weekend. It was nothing short of a fantastic  family-filled frenzy and it was so much fun! Sometimes I really enjoy the chaos, even if it does put me to bed by 9am. 

Thursday we spent the day with both my in-laws and my dad's side of the family (separately). It was a long day but the food was great and the company even better. I did go out shopping Thursday to take advantage of a few deals for the little man, but then hit the hay because I had to work on Friday. The company I work for was on a half day, but I took some voluntary overtime. What can I say, gotta make that cheddar! We had another Thanksgiving on Saturday, and then Sunday we decorated our tree and windows for Christmas. Dawson is so in love with the lights! He thinks the tree is something special that I made for him, and for now I am going to let him! haha. 

Snuggling under the tree. 

The business: Over the weekend, I did something bold. Something I have considered doing for quite some time, but never really had the resource or knowledge base to get started on. I hired a nutrition specialist. 

Last week I was catching up on some blogs, and came across this post, at Keeping Up with Katie. I found her sister's story both similar and incredibly motivating, I had been in those shoes, I had felt those feelings. I got it, I got her. I decided to follow in her footsteps and check out her nutritionist on FB. 

There was even more client photos, food photos and information available on both the FB page and the website for Thinning Down Chicks. I decided to send the nutritionist (Andrea) an email, all the while just knowing in the back of my head it would be too expensive for me. It wasn't. 

Thankfully, the company I work for has a few perks, one of them being holiday gift cards every year. Each year associates are given a gift card based on their tenure to spend at their leisure. This year, I spent mine on me. (well, I actually do that every year, but you get what I mean).

Andrea requests that interested clients complete a pretty extensive questionnaire and be very honest about their food habits, choices and routines. She asks EVERYTHING. From there she makes an assessment and decides whether or not she thinks she can work with you, and the two of you tackle a plan of action for YOU. It is all personal and set up specific to the information you have sent her. She has varying degrees of her program and each one has its own price. 

I have hired Andrea to be my thinker. She plans and tracks my meals, sends me shopping guides, recipes and meal plans and basically takes the whole planning process out for me, while also teaching me even more about food, and what it means to fuel your body. 

Do I know a lot of this info, yes. Could I make a plan? Yes. Do I? No. 

I will also say, that Andrea demands some very honest, and very deep questions about each client. She makes you think pretty deep in your conscious and answer things you really don't want to answer. She forces you to look at yourself, your failures and your choices and deal with them head on.

I have already spent HOURS texting, emailing and working though the best plan for me and my whole family with Andrea, and I already feel her full support and genuine personality and how much she wants her clients to succeed. 

The best part, is this is the first time I can honestly say that I feel like my husband is 100% supportive and behind me on this program. and like I said, I have tried them all. The plans are livable and include real food and real recipes that even my boys will be able to eat and prepare. I am so-freakin-excited. 

*Andrea has no idea that I blog here or that I am writing about my experience. These opinions and views are my own and I have not been compensated for them. I just am really loving taking this step (so far) and want to share.*

Thanksgiving Linkup- My first vlog!

Turkey Trot Linkup

Hey all! I am so excited today to bring you my very first Vlog! I'm hooking  linking up with Holly and Erin and talking about all things Turkey! Check it out, and enjoy :)

1. What do you look forward to more: the food, football or parades?
2. What is your favorite non-traditional Thanksgiving Day dish?
3. After dinner, is it football or a nap?
4. Do you watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade? Which is your favorite float?
5. Where do you go to celebrate and eat your big meal? Who is there (family, friends)?
6. What is your favorite turkey day dessert?

Body by B. Body by Me.

I have been sitting here for a solid 15 minutes. Staring at the blinking cursor. Reading other blogs for courage. Trying to decide what to type, what to say, what to write. How I feel about what I need to write.

I feel sad. mad. worried. upset. pissed off. gross. defeated.


such a fake smile

On my last post, I weighed in at 190lbs and was still on program with weight watchers. It was March 2011. From that point on, for one summer, I rocked it. I continued on and was able to lose another 15lbs with ww, making my lowest weight in Lord only knows how long 175. I felt so good at that 175. Motivated, confident and ready to just keep pushing.

In August of that year, I had reached my goal "date". My family had an event I had been working towards all along, and while I didn't reach my goal, I still felt better. good even.

Somewhere after that point, and I don't even know if I can really say when, I checked out. Gave up. Quit.

I quit tracking, quit caring, quit watching my portions. I still went and weighed in, but I look forward to the people more than the scale.

I have since gained back all but 10 lbs that I originally lost. I have to completely start over, save 10 lbs. I have gained back 28lbs in 14 months.

And I HATE it. WHY did I do this again. I know how hard it is. I tracked, ran, sweated and blogged my heart out about how much I hated losing and working towards those 30lbs the FIRST time, and now I have to do it again.

I cant quite put into words the disappointment and frustration I feel with myself right now. Honestly, I don't even really have a plan on how to change it just yet. I do know, that it cannot be ww. I have worked that program, inefficiently to the moon and back. It no longer motivates or encourages me, even though I really do love it. I just don't "care" about it anymore. Getting on the scale and gaining is not motivating or disappointing to me anymore, its really just a time waster before I get to go say hi to my friends.

I need a change. I need motivation. And I need it to come from within.

I'm ready. again.

(I realize this is a very debbie downer post, but it feels so good to talk about the way I feel right now. to say what I did. to get it off my chest and out there. please bear with me, once I get it out there, I can move forward.)

Good things come at 3.

Today is World Prematurity day. Every single day, too many babies are born to soon, and get a start like ours. Won't you consider joining the cause and fighting for babies?

http://www.marchofdimes.com/

Since he is my muse, and since I have been coming back here a lot in more recent days to see where it all began, I thought it was fitting if I wrote a post on dawson.

 dawson is 3.5 and i really have no idea where the time went. it seems as if he has been a part of our lives, our day-to-day forever, and yet it seems were were just holding him for the first time yesterday. our wee little thing is growing so big!

 

he is doing really awesome, going to pre-school (on a school bus, which is one of his most favorite things ever) and still working with a few therapists to get caught up. he goes to a pre-school classroom that is actually in our district elementary school and specializes in kids with special needs. he is the only VI kid in the class, but seems to be adjusting well. we had conferences last week and his only areas in where he is behind are things related to vision. (tracing, matching etc etc) he is counting well and knows his colors and his language is very advanced for his age (ironic that 9 months ago he wasn't even talking!) 

medically he is doing so well, things have improved so much from where we have been in autumns past. he seems to have abandoned the days of endless ear-infections and runny noses. he loves to bundle up and go outside in his pom pom hat, and going at what feels like 100mph.

 

his eyes and vision have remained the same and we are really just in a hurry up and wait period. we are still going for consistent check up but for now we just make sure there are no changes, and that we really utilize the vision that he has. he sees a visual specialist at school twice a week, and wears glasses for as much time as we can possibly get him too. they work on braille and puzzles and using all of his other senses to supplement what his eyes cannot see.

this boy loves his mickey to the moon and back, and all things automobile.trains and buses are his favorites. we are still not potty trained, but we are not freaking out about it. it seems that dawson just doesn't really care and is holding on to all control he can, so we are just taking it day by day. like all things with d, we will get there.

he is my tall skinny string bean, and for the most part seems to be pretty caught up to other 3 year olds. a little petite, but not surprising since his dad and uncles are all skinny things too. he has the memory of an elephant and the hearing of a coon dog. don't ever say anything, anywhere, about anything, because he will repeat it.

this age really has to be my favorite. he is so full of love and life, so curious and inquisitive. i feel like he is learning something new every day, and he just loves to learn. everywhere he goes he is kind and outgoing and loves to make people laugh. i love everything about his spirit, and my only hope is that he keeps that spirit and the i am given the strength and knowledge to light that spirit bright.