Body by B. Body by Me.

I have been sitting here for a solid 15 minutes. Staring at the blinking cursor. Reading other blogs for courage. Trying to decide what to type, what to say, what to write. How I feel about what I need to write.

I feel sad. mad. worried. upset. pissed off. gross. defeated.


such a fake smile

On my last post, I weighed in at 190lbs and was still on program with weight watchers. It was March 2011. From that point on, for one summer, I rocked it. I continued on and was able to lose another 15lbs with ww, making my lowest weight in Lord only knows how long 175. I felt so good at that 175. Motivated, confident and ready to just keep pushing.

In August of that year, I had reached my goal "date". My family had an event I had been working towards all along, and while I didn't reach my goal, I still felt better. good even.

Somewhere after that point, and I don't even know if I can really say when, I checked out. Gave up. Quit.

I quit tracking, quit caring, quit watching my portions. I still went and weighed in, but I look forward to the people more than the scale.

I have since gained back all but 10 lbs that I originally lost. I have to completely start over, save 10 lbs. I have gained back 28lbs in 14 months.

And I HATE it. WHY did I do this again. I know how hard it is. I tracked, ran, sweated and blogged my heart out about how much I hated losing and working towards those 30lbs the FIRST time, and now I have to do it again.

I cant quite put into words the disappointment and frustration I feel with myself right now. Honestly, I don't even really have a plan on how to change it just yet. I do know, that it cannot be ww. I have worked that program, inefficiently to the moon and back. It no longer motivates or encourages me, even though I really do love it. I just don't "care" about it anymore. Getting on the scale and gaining is not motivating or disappointing to me anymore, its really just a time waster before I get to go say hi to my friends.

I need a change. I need motivation. And I need it to come from within.

I'm ready. again.

(I realize this is a very debbie downer post, but it feels so good to talk about the way I feel right now. to say what I did. to get it off my chest and out there. please bear with me, once I get it out there, I can move forward.)

Good things come at 3.

Today is World Prematurity day. Every single day, too many babies are born to soon, and get a start like ours. Won't you consider joining the cause and fighting for babies?

http://www.marchofdimes.com/

Since he is my muse, and since I have been coming back here a lot in more recent days to see where it all began, I thought it was fitting if I wrote a post on dawson.

 dawson is 3.5 and i really have no idea where the time went. it seems as if he has been a part of our lives, our day-to-day forever, and yet it seems were were just holding him for the first time yesterday. our wee little thing is growing so big!

 

he is doing really awesome, going to pre-school (on a school bus, which is one of his most favorite things ever) and still working with a few therapists to get caught up. he goes to a pre-school classroom that is actually in our district elementary school and specializes in kids with special needs. he is the only VI kid in the class, but seems to be adjusting well. we had conferences last week and his only areas in where he is behind are things related to vision. (tracing, matching etc etc) he is counting well and knows his colors and his language is very advanced for his age (ironic that 9 months ago he wasn't even talking!) 

medically he is doing so well, things have improved so much from where we have been in autumns past. he seems to have abandoned the days of endless ear-infections and runny noses. he loves to bundle up and go outside in his pom pom hat, and going at what feels like 100mph.

 

his eyes and vision have remained the same and we are really just in a hurry up and wait period. we are still going for consistent check up but for now we just make sure there are no changes, and that we really utilize the vision that he has. he sees a visual specialist at school twice a week, and wears glasses for as much time as we can possibly get him too. they work on braille and puzzles and using all of his other senses to supplement what his eyes cannot see.

this boy loves his mickey to the moon and back, and all things automobile.trains and buses are his favorites. we are still not potty trained, but we are not freaking out about it. it seems that dawson just doesn't really care and is holding on to all control he can, so we are just taking it day by day. like all things with d, we will get there.

he is my tall skinny string bean, and for the most part seems to be pretty caught up to other 3 year olds. a little petite, but not surprising since his dad and uncles are all skinny things too. he has the memory of an elephant and the hearing of a coon dog. don't ever say anything, anywhere, about anything, because he will repeat it.

this age really has to be my favorite. he is so full of love and life, so curious and inquisitive. i feel like he is learning something new every day, and he just loves to learn. everywhere he goes he is kind and outgoing and loves to make people laugh. i love everything about his spirit, and my only hope is that he keeps that spirit and the i am given the strength and knowledge to light that spirit bright.

Confessions: I am a quitter

I am one of those people that you have always read about, heard about, known about, and hate talking to. Constantly on the verge of some great new plan, idea and train of thought, all excited in the mix, hands waving and fired up about how I just know, this plan is going to change my life.

Except, I am a quitter.

Other than my relationship with my family and my present employer, I have quit every single thing I have ever started (and shoot, I've even quit some of my family.) Weight loss plans, financial-planning-plans, jobs, exercise, blogging,  you name it, i've started it, bragged about it and quit it. When the going gets un-exciting, or hard,  I give up.

Because I am a quitter.

Blogger.
3 different photo-a-day challenges.
Giving up pop.
Weight Watchers. (although I am trying. Except I have quit tracking.)
Tracking.
My Fitness Pal.
Running.
Mint.com Budgeting.
Dave Ramsey.
Body Challenges.
Insanity.
P90x.
Turbo Fire.
30 Day Shred.
1. 2. 4 gyms.

Problem is, I don't ever see it coming or realize Im making the conscious decision to quit. I just start putting things off until tomorrow, or this weekend, or next week. At one point I have to just quit quitting. Seems like being a quitter, quitting should be easy?

In theory  I would like to be one of those people that is always thinking of something fun to do with their kids,  runs on the regular, balances their checkbook and has a savings, has a clean house, a great co-worker and associate, and just someone who has figured out how to grow the heck up and find some balance without it all crashing down on my head and being the person who is always.forgetting.SOMETHING. I know in my head that life isnt perfect and sometimes there are still dishes in the sink and clothes to be put away, bills to mail and a workout to do, but sometimes I would just love to be one of those people.

At what point does being a grown up suck a little bit less, and being responsible becoming a little bit more rewarding? Does it ever? Or do you just learn that in time, you have to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and pick your hard?

In all honesty, I didn't know how to come back and write a post here, after so much time. But I miss my writing, I miss my accountability and that conglomeration of bloggers and people. I miss being out here and I know that the writing is good for my soul, even if it is just rambling. Im going to try. Try to quit giving up. Try to get it together. Just try.

But I do know, that I have to figure out something, because he is worth it.

While this post was not all about weight loss, I found this fitting. You can really choose so many other things to substitute in .

Hello again, friends.

March McFatty Monday

Well, how about a McFatty post to kick off our March right shall we? Thanks again for checking in and keeping me accountable week after week, every so often.

At meeting yesterday, this mama weighed it at 190.00, even. So for the month of February, I gained 2 lbs. Loverly. I know that this journey is a long one, and one that I myself have to control. I have only myself to blame, as I took off one week to get ready for a 4 day stint in Tennessee (that post coming soon!), then I took off the 4 days that I was in Tennessee, then I took off a week to recoup orate and sleep and get over a sinus infection, and so on and so forth. Overall, I am glad that I really only gained 2lbs, considering my first weigh in back from TN I was up 6lbs, and then was down 4 the following week.

I really need to get back onto program, because I do not want this to be like every other time before. Every other time before, I will get so far, and then something will happen to throw me off track, and I just give up. I quit, and usually gain it all back. I cannot LET this be like every other time. I do hate that this seems to take so long, and be so hard, but if it was easy obesity wouldn't be an issue.

So this week is really a chance fr me to re-focus, and get back on track. I plan on going over my materials, getting re-acquainted with my tracker, and making sure that if I bite it, I write it. I also am one sticker away from earning my Points Plus badge, and defeating the Weight Watchers 10-week challenge . It is the one badge, that shows I have tracked, and stayed within my points, for 7 full days. I want this, to be MY week!

Ojos!

::tap tap tap:: Is this thing on? Did I lose anyone?! Sorry for the recent hiatus! I am been taking a break from blogging because things have been crazy in our house lately! But I have a lot to talk about, and no one to listen, so hopefully that will be so more posts here soon.

So Mr. D had another eyeball appointment at the end of February, and because we are awesome like that, we actually did 2 appointments back to back.

The first appointment we went to was with a Visual Rehabilitative Specialist about 2 hours away, and she was recommended to us by the ROPARD center. Dr. Farense has an amazing reputation of working with infants/kids and being able to pinpoint functional vision, and where some issues may rest, as well as some exercises to be done to improve any usable vision. Dr. Farense is also a whirlwind. She really gets down to the kids level, crawls around, plays, and moves with the kids while she is doing her assessment, all while giving us the information at the same time. We were taking notes frantically, trying to take it all it, while still asking questions. We felt the Dr. was easy to talk to, and great to work with.

By far, the most important piece of information she helped us find is that D actually is NOT blind in his right eye. All of this time we thought the cornea scarring was to advanced, but she found that with the correct type (Bright, hallogen) and color of light (Black, red, and yellow) we can actually get through the scarring and exercise that eye. It was amazing once she pointed it out, once that light came out, and we knew what we were working with we could really get the eye stretching and moving! D was so patient and did a great job working with her. Overall we really just discussed the vision in both eyes (near-sighted in the left, and low but functional in the right) and exercises that we can do to really make the most of his vision.

Also, the Dr. shed a lot of light on different treatments coming forward that they are developing that are already being tested, that will really improve D's vision in the next 10 years. It's amazing what they can do!

Our next appointment was with D's Opthomologist, and did not go as well. Let me put this nicely, we do not enjoy going to this office. This is our 2nd practitioner in the office, and both have been standoff-ish, rude at times, and just unkind. We are not experts and we really rely on them for support and understanding, and let's just say, they stink at it. So we will be looking for our 3rd Optho shortly. We did get the referral that we wanted though; the opportunity to meet with a cornea specialist so we can decide how we want to proceed. Our optho does not feel it is a good idea, but as stated above, did not give us any substantial or sufficient risk factors to consider, so we are going to an expert for his opinion. That appointment is later this month.

Other than the never ending saga of his eyeballs, Mr. D is doing well. Growing like a weed and getting sick every other day. I swear I never expected this much snot to come from someone so small. Gross, but true. He is also STILL refusing to walk (That's right, almost 2, and not walking) and we are just about at our wit's end. We are doing our exercises and really working with him, we have him walk all over the house, and with assistance he does great. Runs even. But ex-nay on the walking. Sigh. One day, when he feels like it, he will do it. At least I hope so.

He is really starting to develop quite the personality, and most of the time is such a happy guy. He loves eating and is really starting to love his bath time. The last couple baths he cried when it was time to get out, even though he was well past the prune stage! He has such an infectious smile!