Deciding to Hope

(originally published April 2013)

It doesn't seem that long ago, that time when everything was just so dark. I had held on to the bitter for so long, and it was so easy to lash out at others about everything. I was so hurt, and so bitter about just everything. No one could understand the way the dark memories mixed with the light ones. The way we just got sick of talking about it all. The way everything could be haunting- pictures, smells, words. All of it could just take me back in a second. I was bitter that I knew those feelings. I had taken on this crusade against life. Against the questions and comments. Against the Dr’s. Against the odds. Sometimes, even against my husband. I wouldn't say I was depressed. I was just MAD. And honestly, sometimes I still get mad.

When I was feeling so defeated by our experience and memories, it wasn't hard to just imagine moving forward with life, and moving on. Walking away from the hope, the plans, and the dreams. There was a time when I wanted to make new dreams. To just put all of our conversations about our family and our plans behind us and just strive to be happy. To get past the bitter and just be a happy little family of 3. It wasn't hard to roll on the high of weight loss and just imagine being able to remain healthy and never know what “High Risk” would mean for us, to just let D complete our family and begin to heal and walk away from the nightmares. Make new ones with the toddler, and now little boy we have.

Curiosity always gets the best of people, and they always ask. Will we try again? Do we want more kids? Well of course we want them. But we just hadn't decided if we wanted to try it all over again.

There was a time, when I couldn't imagine ever signing up for pregnancy again. I couldn't  wouldn't sign up for that risk again.

But over time, hope began to seep in. It took time, a lot of time. I needed to see others overcome what we had gone through. Needed to see D grow, and thrive and just become this amazing little person we knew he would be. To defy the odds. We needed to believe we could continue to defy the odds.

D has given us back that hope. That desire to act on our dreams of growing our family, and the belief that with the right medical team, plan of action and most importantly, Faith, we can heal. We can grow. We can hope.

I’m hopeful. Excited to move forward. To try again. To grow. To Heal.

Mr. Bee and I have decided to try again. We have an appointment with a high risk specialist this week to see what this means for us. What our plans are. What our risks are. Hopefully, we can continue just moving forward. 

my first time [running with a group]

Another first for me last week, I signed up for a running group. I really miss my interval runs and running in the spring, and I miss running on a schedule. After I ran my 10k in 2011 I basically just quit. There was a few races, the Warrior Dash and Turkey Trot, that I did after, but I wasn't "training" for them or even running regularly. Since I quit, I have tried to go back through the c25k program more than a few times to get my base started again and get faster, but like everything else health related, the motivation dwindled and I never made it past week 4 consistently.

A local running store has several teams that they coach, a c25k program, a triathlon program, and an "any distance, any pace" team. I'm starting out following the c25k program to get back into things, but I joined the Any distance Any pace [ADAP] team. There are 3 runs a week, 2 informal on T & Th, and a formal run on Sat. Formal runs include coaches, pacers, aide and a specific course/map. There are clinics before hand and bakery items at the end. The informal runs are really just the group meeting to run, and they also have other fun runs throughout the year where they give away tons of prizes. We also have coaching via email several times a week, a personal website and FB group to keep moving towards our goals.

I started again last Tuesday, and I wanted to see how fast I could run a mile in on the treadmill. Well. I couldn't. Well ain't that a kick in the head. Imagine that, quit training, lose your skill. damn. But, like I said in my last post, I'm moving on and the only way to go is up.

Saturday was our first formal run, and I wanted to run 2 miles in 45 minutes. I set up the c25k program on my phone, and just decided I would do it twice, back to back. All of our courses are out and back, so I just thought I would turn around when I completed it once and then I would end with the completion of number 2. I set my mind to it. and that's what I did. However, I was able to cover 4 miles instead of 2! It took me 60 minutes and I needed every single walk break, but I was happy. Eventually I would like to run more than walk, but I was so excited to know I could still handle the distance.

The group encourages all the members to set a goal, even if it is not a race. Most of the members have a goal for the end of May, but I would like to push mine out a bit more so I don't stress about failing since I am essentially starting right off of the couch.

I would love to run a half marathon, not just any half marathon, I want to run the Detroit Free Press Palmer Bank 1/2 Marathon. I signed up to run this race in 2011 and never did. I bailed on my training, and the race entirely. I didn't even go spectate or to the expo, I was so ashamed. I want to redeem myself and run from MI, to Canada and back and cross that finish line!

Have you ever raced before, or considered it? Did you train with a group, or on your own?

my first time [with a trainer]

Thank you all for the wonderful comments on my weigh in post. It was a great reminder to CELEBRATE how far I have come and what I have learned and not just focus so much on that darn number. I needed to hear those things and like always, ya'll deliver.

Apparently someone [me!] was a good girl last year and Santa totally delivered for me this Christmas. Well, not really Santa, but my amazing family. R's grandma hooked me up with 2 personal training sessions at my gym for some quality time with an amazing trainer. I have worked with him before in group sessions (think a mini version of a class) and taken BodyPump classes from him but I have never worked one on one with ANY trainer. I had my first session on Friday night.

First of all, I think it is great that you can make an appointment to work out. Holds you accountable and you really get to work in a workout (heh, see what I did there?!) around your schedule, instead of the other way around.

We started with some drill warm ups (butt kicks, shuffles, lunges, etc) and then really got right down to it. We did squat presses on a box, kettle bell swings and then 2 versions of planks for 3 rounds. Then we did 1 legged squats using TRX ropes, ball slams and lower ab work for 3 rounds. Lets just say I was huffin and puffin. It was a great workout that utilized a lot of the equipment my gym has and just gave me a taste of how to use it. I found my self dwelling on how out of shape I have let myself become, but I was doing pretty good about turning it around and using it to squat deeper, thrust harder (that's what she said) and lift higher. Because at this point, I can't take it back, and dwelling is just causing me to binge when I focus on the disappointment. I need to move on.

I have another session this Friday and I am excited!

stuff my kid says...v.1

I swear I should really make this a weekly post, because d is really at the point where everything that comes out of his mouth is hysterical.

Last night? He was yelling (seriously, YELLING. little boys have no inside voice) through a Lego window..

"Hey Guys! How's it goin?!"

Tonight he told me that his toe hurt so naturally,  I asked why?

 "Because I drank to much milk. I drank it all the way to my toes."

Saturday we had an amazing day as a little threesome, and we took a road trip 2 hours south to visit some of my favorite stores (Lululemon and Trader Joes), a few outlets and just spent time together.
D loved that Trader Joes has the little kid carts, and the store wasn't that busy so i totally just let him loose.

He was cracking up other patrons, pretend shopping and cooking and just really being a creative little kid. Honestly, all shopping aside,  it was fun to just watch.

Well at one point, d and that cart got going just a little too fast because before I could catch him, crash right into a pole. D stumbled a little and wiped out right on his behind. We knew at this point he was going to be upset and since it was getting late, this would really be the point of no return for us.I had R take him out to the car to watch Mickey. All the way out of the store D just yelled (remember what i said about no inside voice?)

" ooooooooohhhhh my butt. i crashed my butt. oh darnnit"

If it wasn't adorable, Id be cracking up. Well shoot, I was doing that too. :)

Ever had your kid yell something embarrassing in public? Tell me about it! 

Happy Friday!

Foam me up baby!

Sounds a little dirty right? Actually, its just the opposite! Seriously, how fun does this look?!

I think this needs a part of my birthday celebration.

drab.

Well hello there. I seem to have this complex over posting anything not D or weight loss related. Which, I need to get over, because I am sure you guys would love to read something else then the same ol same ol. amiright?! Well we will get to that. Tomorrow. because today, I'm hooking up, linking up (come on ya'll this isn't that kinda blog!) with Erin and Alex to weigh in. Oh joy.

 

I actually weigh in every Monday, Wednesday and Friday with TDC. Usually Monday morning weigh ins give me serious anxiety and always seem to let me down. But lately Monday has been my homegirl, and Wednesday is a bitch. Friday cant decide which team it's swinging with.

Last week, I started getting back on the work out band wagon. I've been trying some new classes, I joined a running group though a local store and just am really getting some goals swarming around in my head about what I want to accomplish in 2013. So last week Monday, my weight was down. well that was a pleasant surprise! Monday and Tuesday night I worked my can off, and Wednesday morning I was so excited to weigh in. I thought it was going to be a great loss, and couldn't wait to tell Andrea before I even got on the scale.

And I was up. What the what?!

Of course I pouted, rebelled, ate whatever I wanted, and sure enough paid for it. Thankfully, I was able to focus and get my shit together by my Friday weigh in and then again over the weekend. This Monday, boom. all my efforts showed up on that scale. I love that feeling.

So wash and repeat. Lifted Monday night, ran Tuesday and today. I gained. Whattheefffff is going on here?!?

In all the time I have been trying and failing and quiting and trying and failing, I have never been one of those people with unexpected gains. For every time I got on that scale and gained, I could think of x treats, y meals, z restaurants, that I could explain my gain with. Until now. to say I am discouraged is a huge understatement.

This program is making me face my skeletons, challenge everything I know and just really testing me. I am not seeing the results I want, and its just freaking FRUSTRATING. I don't really know where to go from here. Instinct is telling me to bail, and I seem to be noticing more and more WW blogs and commercials. But I know I cannot bail. I need to learn, I need to grow and I need this challenge. I just really hope that something changes and I start seeing results or just SOMETHING. I cannot still be here in 2 months. I just. I cant.

 

Stolen

I feel like this place needs a little more fluff, its been so deep lately! So I "borrowed" this from Mel :)

A. Age: 26, and a Gemini. I was born on my due date, and since I was a scheduled c-section, I was technically only 6 minutes late. Ohh the foreshadowing! 

B. Bed size: Queen - I would love a King but it wouldn't fit up our staircase. Boo.

C. Chore you hate: Putting away laundry and dishes. So I don't do either. 

D. Dogs: I have 2 Tibetan Terriers. 1 Diva (Ace) and 1 Demon (Deuce. Named after a football player, not a shart) 

E. Essential start to your day: Technically my Thyroid pill, but my fun answer is a diet pepsi. I usually have one with breakfast every day, and while I would love to give it up, its just so.damn.hard (that's what she said)

F. Favorite color: Yellow and Grey. Are ya shocked?!

G. Gold or Silver: High-ho Silverrrrrrr

H. Height: 5'6 

I. Instruments you play: I could get dirty here BUT I am going with NONE. <I'm going with what she said!

J. Job Title: FTWM, I am a Senior Accounts Payable Specialist

K. Kids: 1-The D dude, He's 3 1/2.

L. Live: In the Mitten

M. Married: August 4, 2007

N. Nicknames: I don't really have many, since my name is only 4 letters long, most people just call me that. Better than bein called somethin else! A lot of people do call me by my last name though, and a lot of people did that before I got married too. My dad and brother go by their last names a lot too. 
.O. Overnight hospital stays: Just to have D.

P. Pet peeve: People who get on elevators without letting other people off, people who drive under the speed limit in morning traffic. People who don't change the TP roll when its empty (ahem) and so many others. 

Q. Quote: I love quotes, but don't really have one in particular that I use as a fallback. 

R. Righty or Lefty: Righty.

S. Siblings: Ah boy. Okay, here we go. 2 half brothers, 1 from each of my parent's previous marriages, 1 step brother from my dads current marriage. 2 brother in laws. 2 sister in laws. 

T. Time you wake up:  late, always late. Should be 6-615. Usually its about 7. A resolution to work on perhaps?

U. University attended: I've attended more than one, but never completed. GASP! 

V. Vegetables you dislike: vegetables. I'm not fat because I love carrots okay.

W. What makes you run late: Kids and/or not being able to find something to wear (see above about putting away clothes :) 

X. X-rays you've had: Dental ones and ultrasounds when I was preggo. I also broke a pinky when I was in the 5th grade. 

Y. Yummy food: SWEETS. Anything PB and chocolate. Anything cheesy. 

Z. Zoo animal favorite: I've come to love the bee because its a fun play on words with our last name, but Penguins. I have a serious thing for penguins, including a hidden tattoo.

I used to love these types of things back in the days of myspace. Who doesn't love talking about themselves?! Copy it and link me back, I want to read about you! 

Sliding

I really didn't want to do a "New Year, New You" type of check in post, just because I feel that I have bored you all with it before. But I cannot help but feel a little invigorated at the fresh restart that the month of January brings.

I did really well for the first 2 weeks of December, even coming in with a 10lb loss with Thinning Down Chicks on that Friday. Sadly though, those numbers slipped through my fingers the closer we got to the Holidays.

The stress of overtime at work, multiple holiday parties and just overall holiday temptation got the best of me, and I'm suddenly hovering dangerously close to where I started. I will say the one thing that I was able to hold on to through the holidays was really being self aware of my obsessive/binge eating tendencies. I was able to identify the way I felt when I wanted to binge, and the thought processes that were happening when I was giving myself permission to binge.

It is almost interesting to me in an "out of mind" way to evaluate my thoughts toward binging while they are happening. It is almost as if I am arguing, with myself when I want to binge. Part of me talks myself off the ledge with thoughts of my goals and fears, motivational pictures or challenges and repeating the knowledge that I have learned both from Thinning Down Chicks and just overall time and trial and error. But what really makes the decision, the justification, the permission, is the voice that answers.

My answer to all of those logical thoughts and goals is always that I "have earned", or I "deserve" my binge. A tough day, a good workout, an upcoming reset. Something is always justifying the binge. Telling me that I can overcome whatever I eat, I can work it off, I can start over.

I have wasted so much time, effort, energy and work. I often think about what my life would be like, what my body would be like right now had I just stuck with it the very first time in 2009 that I started this journey. Would I be done, would I be at goal? Would I be able to eat those treats and control myself? Would I be able to eat them without the guilt, without the thoughts that tell me that is just the first step to the impending binge?

I honestly cannot even answer the number of times I overate, or binged since the 14th of December. Far too many. And now I have been struggling sticking through a reset or detox day for a week. That's the problem with overeaters. One bite is never one bite. One slip, one treat, one bite is a slippery slope that leads to regret, tears and more pounds than I care to think about.

I'm hoping that with the wrapping paper settling and the hullabaloo of the holidays winding down, I can really put my energy into focusing on these new thoughts and revelations, and focus on what my health and body needs. Self awareness is really a scary, and motivating process. I'm hopeful to get back to a routine and my goals and just, that happiness and peace that I have been yearning for.