Deciding to Hope

(originally published April 2013)

It doesn't seem that long ago, that time when everything was just so dark. I had held on to the bitter for so long, and it was so easy to lash out at others about everything. I was so hurt, and so bitter about just everything. No one could understand the way the dark memories mixed with the light ones. The way we just got sick of talking about it all. The way everything could be haunting- pictures, smells, words. All of it could just take me back in a second. I was bitter that I knew those feelings. I had taken on this crusade against life. Against the questions and comments. Against the Dr’s. Against the odds. Sometimes, even against my husband. I wouldn't say I was depressed. I was just MAD. And honestly, sometimes I still get mad.

When I was feeling so defeated by our experience and memories, it wasn't hard to just imagine moving forward with life, and moving on. Walking away from the hope, the plans, and the dreams. There was a time when I wanted to make new dreams. To just put all of our conversations about our family and our plans behind us and just strive to be happy. To get past the bitter and just be a happy little family of 3. It wasn't hard to roll on the high of weight loss and just imagine being able to remain healthy and never know what “High Risk” would mean for us, to just let D complete our family and begin to heal and walk away from the nightmares. Make new ones with the toddler, and now little boy we have.

Curiosity always gets the best of people, and they always ask. Will we try again? Do we want more kids? Well of course we want them. But we just hadn't decided if we wanted to try it all over again.

There was a time, when I couldn't imagine ever signing up for pregnancy again. I couldn't  wouldn't sign up for that risk again.

But over time, hope began to seep in. It took time, a lot of time. I needed to see others overcome what we had gone through. Needed to see D grow, and thrive and just become this amazing little person we knew he would be. To defy the odds. We needed to believe we could continue to defy the odds.

D has given us back that hope. That desire to act on our dreams of growing our family, and the belief that with the right medical team, plan of action and most importantly, Faith, we can heal. We can grow. We can hope.

I’m hopeful. Excited to move forward. To try again. To grow. To Heal.

Mr. Bee and I have decided to try again. We have an appointment with a high risk specialist this week to see what this means for us. What our plans are. What our risks are. Hopefully, we can continue just moving forward. 

my first time [running with a group]

Another first for me last week, I signed up for a running group. I really miss my interval runs and running in the spring, and I miss running on a schedule. After I ran my 10k in 2011 I basically just quit. There was a few races, the Warrior Dash and Turkey Trot, that I did after, but I wasn't "training" for them or even running regularly. Since I quit, I have tried to go back through the c25k program more than a few times to get my base started again and get faster, but like everything else health related, the motivation dwindled and I never made it past week 4 consistently.

A local running store has several teams that they coach, a c25k program, a triathlon program, and an "any distance, any pace" team. I'm starting out following the c25k program to get back into things, but I joined the Any distance Any pace [ADAP] team. There are 3 runs a week, 2 informal on T & Th, and a formal run on Sat. Formal runs include coaches, pacers, aide and a specific course/map. There are clinics before hand and bakery items at the end. The informal runs are really just the group meeting to run, and they also have other fun runs throughout the year where they give away tons of prizes. We also have coaching via email several times a week, a personal website and FB group to keep moving towards our goals.

I started again last Tuesday, and I wanted to see how fast I could run a mile in on the treadmill. Well. I couldn't. Well ain't that a kick in the head. Imagine that, quit training, lose your skill. damn. But, like I said in my last post, I'm moving on and the only way to go is up.

Saturday was our first formal run, and I wanted to run 2 miles in 45 minutes. I set up the c25k program on my phone, and just decided I would do it twice, back to back. All of our courses are out and back, so I just thought I would turn around when I completed it once and then I would end with the completion of number 2. I set my mind to it. and that's what I did. However, I was able to cover 4 miles instead of 2! It took me 60 minutes and I needed every single walk break, but I was happy. Eventually I would like to run more than walk, but I was so excited to know I could still handle the distance.

The group encourages all the members to set a goal, even if it is not a race. Most of the members have a goal for the end of May, but I would like to push mine out a bit more so I don't stress about failing since I am essentially starting right off of the couch.

I would love to run a half marathon, not just any half marathon, I want to run the Detroit Free Press Palmer Bank 1/2 Marathon. I signed up to run this race in 2011 and never did. I bailed on my training, and the race entirely. I didn't even go spectate or to the expo, I was so ashamed. I want to redeem myself and run from MI, to Canada and back and cross that finish line!

Have you ever raced before, or considered it? Did you train with a group, or on your own?

my first time [with a trainer]

Thank you all for the wonderful comments on my weigh in post. It was a great reminder to CELEBRATE how far I have come and what I have learned and not just focus so much on that darn number. I needed to hear those things and like always, ya'll deliver.

Apparently someone [me!] was a good girl last year and Santa totally delivered for me this Christmas. Well, not really Santa, but my amazing family. R's grandma hooked me up with 2 personal training sessions at my gym for some quality time with an amazing trainer. I have worked with him before in group sessions (think a mini version of a class) and taken BodyPump classes from him but I have never worked one on one with ANY trainer. I had my first session on Friday night.

First of all, I think it is great that you can make an appointment to work out. Holds you accountable and you really get to work in a workout (heh, see what I did there?!) around your schedule, instead of the other way around.

We started with some drill warm ups (butt kicks, shuffles, lunges, etc) and then really got right down to it. We did squat presses on a box, kettle bell swings and then 2 versions of planks for 3 rounds. Then we did 1 legged squats using TRX ropes, ball slams and lower ab work for 3 rounds. Lets just say I was huffin and puffin. It was a great workout that utilized a lot of the equipment my gym has and just gave me a taste of how to use it. I found my self dwelling on how out of shape I have let myself become, but I was doing pretty good about turning it around and using it to squat deeper, thrust harder (that's what she said) and lift higher. Because at this point, I can't take it back, and dwelling is just causing me to binge when I focus on the disappointment. I need to move on.

I have another session this Friday and I am excited!

stuff my kid says...v.1

I swear I should really make this a weekly post, because d is really at the point where everything that comes out of his mouth is hysterical.

Last night? He was yelling (seriously, YELLING. little boys have no inside voice) through a Lego window..

"Hey Guys! How's it goin?!"

Tonight he told me that his toe hurt so naturally,  I asked why?

 "Because I drank to much milk. I drank it all the way to my toes."

Saturday we had an amazing day as a little threesome, and we took a road trip 2 hours south to visit some of my favorite stores (Lululemon and Trader Joes), a few outlets and just spent time together.
D loved that Trader Joes has the little kid carts, and the store wasn't that busy so i totally just let him loose.

He was cracking up other patrons, pretend shopping and cooking and just really being a creative little kid. Honestly, all shopping aside,  it was fun to just watch.

Well at one point, d and that cart got going just a little too fast because before I could catch him, crash right into a pole. D stumbled a little and wiped out right on his behind. We knew at this point he was going to be upset and since it was getting late, this would really be the point of no return for us.I had R take him out to the car to watch Mickey. All the way out of the store D just yelled (remember what i said about no inside voice?)

" ooooooooohhhhh my butt. i crashed my butt. oh darnnit"

If it wasn't adorable, Id be cracking up. Well shoot, I was doing that too. :)

Ever had your kid yell something embarrassing in public? Tell me about it! 

Happy Friday!

Foam me up baby!

Sounds a little dirty right? Actually, its just the opposite! Seriously, how fun does this look?!

I think this needs a part of my birthday celebration.